47 at Forty-seven – The Mid-Life Crisis Diet Project Part 2

Part 2: The Last Hoorah

The Curious Case of Binger Man Glutton
As you may know, I announced quite publicly my challenge to lose 47 pounds (at 47 years of age). “I’m not only dieting”, I said, “But I’m also giving up booze and weed!” And, I remain quite committed to this noble venture, rest assured. But I’m not a total masochist. I made my announcement on a Wednesday that the diet would start Monday – leaving me four full days to smoke, chomp, and guzzle to my bacchanalian heart’s content. For three nights in a row I went to bed feeling no pain. But I knew Sunday would be my last day – a “wake and bake” binge for the ages.

I must confess, I approached my binge with the same determination as my forthcoming weight loss. If I was going to smoke the last of my dear cannabis, I needed to do it with reverence. Any dedicated stoner understands that the pot munchies should be treated with respect. Cravings will arise – and attention must be paid. So I stocked up on snacks. And not just snacks, I’m no amateur – snack groups.

You stoners know what I’m talking about – and you late-night bingers, too. Snacks have groups. So, I needed something from the “Chip Group” I went with Fritos – a classic, something from the “Candy Group” I chose Peanut M&Ms, which gets your chocolate craving and Twizzlers, for the consistency. (Sometimes when you’re high, you need something gummy). I bought Pretzel Nuggets, which I put in the “Bread/Cracker Group”, cheddar cheese for the “Dairy Group”, and finally for the “Cake/Cookie Group”, perhaps the perfect stoner food product – Teddy Grahams.

Noon til Midnight was the plan, and at 11:30AM I patted myself on the back for not procrastinating. It was a great lazy, blazey Sunday. The incense was lit; the iTunes were on…ah joy. Many friends came by – Kurt, Tasha, Luis, Kat, Eric, Brian, Leslie - to either wish me well, or join in some degree of debauchery. I toked, made Cranberry Martinis, toked, and if I remember correctly, I toked.

The Perfect Ending
11:30PM - The place has cleared out. I am watching Big Love in bed on the DVR, the nearly-killed box of Teddy Graham Minis rests on my enormous pot belly. Pretty, right ladies? I am spent. I have consumed more than once-thought humanly possible. The grub is gone. The weed is done. I grab the last handful of Nabisco’s nirvana, knowing that my diet starts in moments, and my binge is about to come to an end. As I bite into them (and I swear this REALLY happened) my biggest filling comes out, leaving a giant hole in my upper left molar.

How poetic is that? My body had had enough of my stupid binge and angrily Broke My Mouth!

Report on the first week coming soon.