Part: 5 Obsession Sets In &Week Four
Slowing Weigh Down
Week Four weigh-in (drum roll)…
230 lbs. (Down 15 lbs. 32 to go)
So, I got off to a great start, with 12 pounds in the first two weeks. But the next two weeks – only 3 pounds. Damn. My body is regulating. “Oh, we’re only taking in a thousand calories a day – when we used to take in a MILLION! I’ll slow our metabolism, then.” The body wises up. Millions of years of evolution have encoded us. We go into “famine mode”. We don’t slow up quite as much as bears or other hibernators do; but we do slow nonetheless. Our bodies don’t understand “diet”, that’s a relatively new concept. Our bodies understand “starvation”, and act accordingly.
So all my wise friends and blog-followers are telling me, “One to two pounds a week is good and healthy weight-loss. Don’t be impatient.” I’m also hearing there will be weeks when almost nothing changes, and weeks when there is suddenly a big drop. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah.
A Watched Pot Belly…
I am impatient. I’ve gotten a couple of compliments – and compliments are like laughs…or potato chips…once you’ve had one, you want them all. Am I looking skinnier yet? Is it showing? Let me ask everybody I come in contact with. I’ve made a pile of clothes I can’t wear yet, but know I will…and I want to wear them next week. I weigh myself every day – and sometimes multiple times a day. Aaagh! That’s so dumb. I know I’m supposed to weigh-in only once a week. I know that. So I’ll see that I’m a pound higher this afternoon than I was this morning. Panic. Well, no shit Steve, you just had a Diet Coke. Chillax. Now I’m really mad at myself. I just used the word “Chillax”.
And I’m mad at myself because I put my weekly weigh-ins on Monday morning – the first thing after a weekend. Why didn’t I make it Friday morning at the end of a regimented work-week? Idiot. And believe me; I approach those weigh-ins like I’m Matthew Modine in Vision Quest before the big wrestling match. “Do it before you eat a spot of breakfast, Steve. First do some calisthenics, see if you can sweat out an ounce. Now try to make a number two. Now get completely naked. Now shave your body hair…and don’t forget the taint.”
My dad got like this during a diet. A phone conversation would go something like this:
STEVE: Hey Dad, haven’t talked to you in a couple of weeks. What’s new?
DAD: Well this morning I skipped breakfast. All I had for lunch was a half a cantaloupe with some cottage cheese. And for tonight I picked up some grilled salmon.
Intimate and riveting.
So, my new challenge, my secondary challenge, is to give my weight…well…less weight. This diet sadly, has become the thing I’m doing – the primary thing. I’m not sure that’s a good way to frame this weight-loss project. “Life” should be the thing I’m doing (whatever that means from day to day). And “healthier” should be the way I’m doing it. Good. Lesson learned, now I wonder if I lost any weight while typing this.
A Smattering of Hyperbole Regarding Your Female Parent’s Mass
This is as low-brow as it gets, but go ahead. Read them rapid-fire, OUT LOUD. I defy you not to laugh.
Your Momma’s so fat…the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.
Your Momma’s so fat…her cereal bowl has a lifeguard.
Your Momma’s so fat…when she sits around the house; she really sits AROUND the house.
Your Momma’s so fat…when she gets done having sex, she smokes a turkey.
Your Momma’s so fat…her high-school yearbook picture was aerial photography.
Your Momma’s so fat…when she jumped in the air, she got stuck.
Your Momma’s so fat…she has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Your Momma’s so fat…she has a smaller fat woman orbiting her.
Your Momma’s so fat…she eats Wheat Thicks.
Your Momma’s so fat…for her baptism they had to rent out Sea World.
Your Momma’s so fat…she bleeds gravy.
Your Momma’s so fat…she needs a shoe horn to get into the bath tub.
Your Momma’s so fat…when I’m done fucking her and roll over, I’m still on her.
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We weigh ourselves the same way! (Except for a few additional steps you throw in there...) ;)
ReplyDeleteKeep plugging away. Remember, it's going to affect the health of the rest of your life, and that's something to be excited about, even if you only lose 1 lbs a week. Think of the YEARS you're adding!
Hugs and support - keep going Stevie P!
Yes, m'dear, as you've discovered, obsessively weighing yourself only causes stress and stress causes weight gain, so do indeed chillax.
ReplyDeleteI totally get that you HAD to make this a project, why? Because it is! It's the New You Project. When I quit smoking 3 years ago, I made it my project and I went in knowing that for the next 6 months it would be my primary focus (beyond general life). After 6 months, not smoking became such a routine that I kind of forgot about trying, and just started...being a non smoker.
So...give yourself some credit, this project has to be your focus - for now. Trust me, in only a few months, you'll be ready to move on to something else.
Your Momma’s so fat... when she turns around in a classroom she erases all the blackboards.
ReplyDeleteYour Momma’s so fat... when she steps on a scale it says, “One at a time, please!”
Your Momma’s so fat... when she dances she makes the band skip!
Your Momma's so fat that Golden Corral recruited her for their drill team!
ReplyDeleteYou are so cute! What fun is this! KEEP IT GOING. You'll inspire me some year.... ; /
ReplyDelete